August 15th. The sun had long since set, but the air was still muggy and hot. As I ran up the apartment building’s stairs, my body was an endless fountain of sweat.
“Goodbye.”
Just one word sent from her LINE account. I knew right away what it meant.
I had been at work despite it being the lantern festival. After throwing my stuff together, I rushed home to the building where I lived. And upon the roof, outside the railing, was where I found her standing with vacant eyes.
This was actually the fourth time I had seen her attempting to jump to her death.
It’s said there are two types of people: those ruled by the desire for life—Eros and those ruled by the desire for death—Thanatos.
Most of the people in the world are the former, but she was unquestionably the latter.
I knew Thanatos ruled her even before I started dating her. Well, of course I did—we met on the roof of this building when I saved her from a similar suicide attempt.
The girl said she had just moved in. Though she had an adorable face with round eyes and full lips, there was something hopeless about her expression; she stole my heart in an instant. I think it must have been love at first sight.
After that we started talking more and grew close. I was living all alone and being exploited at work, so to me, she was like an angel who had come fluttering down from heaven.
But I did wonder one thing. Whenever she was attempting suicide, she contacted me. And she always waited where she was until I arrived.
Wouldn’t it be more of a sure thing to die alone without telling anyone? My personal interpretation was that somewhere in her heart she wanted me to stop her like the time we met, to save her.
So there I was, running up the stairs again.
“Hahh, hahh...”
I made it to the roof. She was standing outside the railing, facing away from me.
“Wait...!”
I jumped over the railing and took her hand. Unlike the muggy air, her hand was freezing.
“Let go of me.”
Her voice was a charming, fleeting sound like the tone of a bell. I loved her voice.
“Why do you always do this...?!” “I just want to hurry up and die.” “Why...?!” “Because the God of Death is calling me.”
She could see the God of Death. Apparently they are a symptom of being ruled by Thanatos. And only people Thanatos rules can see it.
“There’s no God of Death!” “Why don’t you get it...?!”
When I denied the existence of her god, she would always sob.
The God of Death always appears in the form most tempting to the one seeing it. That is, it takes the form of their ideal companion.
When she was looking at the God of Death (of course, to me, she seemed to begazing into empty space), she looked like a girl in love. Like she had fallen head over heels.
I hated seeing her face like that.
“Don’t look at the God of Death, look at me!” “No...!”
She tried to shake my hand off, and I squeezed harder than I meant to.
“Ow...!” “Ngh! Sorry...”
But it’s your fault. You’re the one who tried to shake me off. You’re the one who won’t look at me.
“The God of Death would never do that...!”
Something dark and ugly swept over my heart.
“Why...?”
I love you so much, so why can’t you just look at me?
Somewhere in my mind I knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of the God of Death, but I didn’t care anymore.
“I’m sick of this.”
I’m sick of it, too.
“I’m tired.”
I’m tired, too.
“I just wanna die!” “I wanna die, too!”
The moment I said it, she looked up. She was smiling. The moment I saw her face, I felt the dark ugliness in my heart vanish. Huh? You mean...?
“So... you finally figured it out?” “Yeah... I finally get it.” “Really...? Phew.”
Ohh, I see. You didn’t call me during your suicide attempts because you wanted me to save you. You wanted to take me with you. She was my God of Death.
A chilly wind blew. At some point, I had stopped feeling the muggy heat.
“Then shall we?” “Yeah, let’s go.”
You and I, holding hands. In order to escape the frustration this world causes us, we set off running toward the night sky.
An Invitation from Thanatos( "タナトスの誘惑") - Fixed translation
August 15th. The sun had long since set, but the air was still muggy and hot. As I ran up the apartment building’s stairs, my body was an endless fountain of sweat.
“Goodbye.”
Just one word sent from her LINE account.
I knew right away what it meant.
I had been at work despite it being the lantern festival. After throwing my stuff together, I rushed home to the building where I lived.
And upon the roof, outside the railing, was where I found her standing with vacant eyes.
This was actually the fourth time I had seen her attempting to jump to her death.
It’s said there are two types of people:
those ruled by the desire for life—Eros
and those ruled by the desire for death—Thanatos.
Most of the people in the world are the former, but she was unquestionably the latter.
I knew Thanatos ruled her even before I started dating her.
Well, of course I did—we met on the roof of this building when I saved her from a similar suicide attempt.
The girl said she had just moved in. Though she had an adorable face with round eyes and full lips, there was something hopeless about her expression; she stole my heart in an instant. I think it must have been love at first sight.
After that we started talking more and grew close.
I was living all alone and being exploited at work, so to me, she was like an angel who had come fluttering down from heaven.
But I did wonder one thing.
Whenever she was attempting suicide, she contacted me. And she always waited where she was until I arrived.
Wouldn’t it be more of a sure thing to die alone without telling anyone? My personal interpretation was that somewhere in her heart she wanted me to stop her like the time we met, to save her.
So there I was, running up the stairs again.
“Hahh, hahh...”
I made it to the roof.
She was standing outside the railing, facing away from me.
“Wait...!”
I jumped over the railing and took her hand.
Unlike the muggy air, her hand was freezing.
“Let go of me.”
Her voice was a charming, fleeting sound like the tone of a bell. I loved her voice.
“Why do you always do this...?!”
“I just want to hurry up and die.”
“Why...?!”
“Because the God of Death is calling me.”
She could see the God of Death. Apparently they are a symptom of being ruled by Thanatos.
And only people Thanatos rules can see it.
“There’s no God of Death!”
“Why don’t you get it...?!”
When I denied the existence of her god, she would always sob.
The God of Death always appears in the form most tempting to the one seeing it. That is, it takes the form of their ideal companion.
When she was looking at the God of Death (of course, to me, she seemed to begazing into empty space), she looked like a girl in love. Like she had fallen head over heels.
I hated seeing her face like that.
“Don’t look at the God of Death, look at me!”
“No...!”
She tried to shake my hand off, and I squeezed harder than I meant to.
“Ow...!”
“Ngh! Sorry...”
But it’s your fault. You’re the one who tried to shake me off. You’re the one who won’t look at me.
“The God of Death would never do that...!”
Something dark and ugly swept over my heart.
“Why...?”
I love you so much, so why can’t you just look at me?
Somewhere in my mind I knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of the God of Death, but I didn’t care anymore.
“I’m sick of this.”
I’m sick of it, too.
“I’m tired.”
I’m tired, too.
“I just wanna die!”
“I wanna die, too!”
The moment I said it, she looked up.
She was smiling.
The moment I saw her face, I felt the dark ugliness in my heart vanish.
Huh? You mean...?
“So... you finally figured it out?”
“Yeah... I finally get it.”
“Really...? Phew.”
Ohh, I see.
You didn’t call me during your suicide attempts because you wanted me to save you.
You wanted to take me with you.
She was my God of Death.
A chilly wind blew. At some point, I had stopped feeling the muggy heat.
“Then shall we?”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
You and I, holding hands.
In order to escape the frustration this world causes us,
we set off running toward the night sky.
8月15日。もうとっくに日は沈んだというのに、辺りには蒸し暑い空気が漂っている。
マンションの階段を駆け上がる僕の体からは、汗が止めどなく噴き出していた。
「さよなら」
たった４文字の彼女からのLINE。
それが何を意味しているのか、僕にはすぐに分かった。
御盆の時期にも関わらず職場で仕事をしていた僕は、帰り支度をしたあと急いで自宅のあるマンションに向かった。
そして、マンションの屋上、フェンスの外側に、虚ろな目をした彼女が立っているのを見つけた。
飛び降り自殺を図ろうとする彼女の姿を見たのは、実はこれでもう4回目だ。
世の中には2種類の人間がいるという。
生に対する欲動──「エロス」に支配される人間と、
死に対する欲動──「タナトス」に支配される人間。
この世界の人間のほとんどは前者だが、彼女は紛れもなく後者だった。
彼女が「タナトス」に支配される人間だということは、彼女と付き合い始める前から知っていた。
それもそのはず、僕たちが出会ったのは、今のようにマンションの屋上で自殺を試みている彼女を、僕が助けたのがきっかけだった。
最近同じマンションに引っ越してきたという女の子。つぶらな瞳にぽってりとした唇と、可愛らしい顔立ちをしているが、どこか儚げな表情をしている彼女は、一瞬で僕の心を奪った。きっと一目惚れのようなものだったと思う。
その時から彼女とはいろいろな話をするようになり、すぐに仲良くなった。
ブラック会社に勤めながら独りきりで寂しく暮らしていた僕にとって、彼女はまるで天から舞い降りた天使のようだった。
ひとつ疑問に思うことがあった。
彼女は自殺を図ろうとする時、決まって僕に連絡を入れる。そして、僕が来るまでその場で待っている。
誰にも知らせずひとりで死んだほうが確実なのではないかと思うが、
もしかしたら彼女は、出会った時のように僕に自殺を止めてほしい、助けてほしいと心のどこかでそう思っているのではないかと、勝手に解釈していた。
だから、僕は今回もこうやってマンションの階段を駆け上がる。
「はぁっ、はぁっ…」
マンションの屋上にたどり着く。
フェンスの向こうに立つ、彼女の背中を見つけた。
「待って…！！」
フェンスを飛び越え、彼女の手を取る。
彼女の手は、蒸し暑い空気に反して冷たかった。
「はなして」
鈴の音に似た、儚くて可愛らしい声。僕は彼女の声も好きだった。
「なんで、そうやって、君は…！」
「はやく、死にたいの」
「どうして…！」
「死神さんが呼んでるから」
彼女には、「死神」が見える。「タナトス」に支配される人間に稀に見られる症状なのだという。
そして「死神」は、「タナトス」に支配されている人間にしか見ることができない。
「死神なんていないよ」
「なんで分かってくれないの…！」
僕が死神を否定すると、彼女は決まって泣き叫ぶ。
死神は、それを見る者にとって１番魅力的に感じる姿をしているらしい。いわば、理想の人の姿をしているのだ。
彼女は死神を見つめている時（僕には虚空を見つめているようにしか見えないが）、まるで恋をしている女の子のような表情をした。まるでそれに惚れているような。
僕は彼女のその表情が嫌いだった。
「死神なんて見てないで、僕のことを見て」
「嫌…！」
彼女が僕の手を振り払おうとしたので、思わず力強く握ってしまった。
「痛い…！」
「！ごめん…」
でも、君が悪いんじゃないか。僕の手を振り払おうとするから。僕のことを見てくれないから。
「死神さんはこんなことしないよ…！」
僕の心にどす黒いものが押し寄せてくる。
「なんで…」
なんで、こんなにも僕は君のことを愛しているのに、君は僕だけを見てはくれないのだろう。
死神に嫉妬をするなんて、馬鹿げていると心のどこかでは思っていたが、もうそんなことはどうでもよかった。
「もう嫌なの」
僕も嫌だよ。
「もう疲れたのよ」
僕も疲れたよ。
「はやく死にたいの」
「僕も死にたいよ！！」
その時、彼女が顔を上げた。
ニッコリと笑っていた。
彼女の笑顔を見た途端、急に心のどす黒いものが消える感覚がした。
あれ、これってもしかして。
「やっと…気づいてくれた？」
「ああ…やっとわかったよ」
「ほんと…？よかったぁ」
ああ、そうか。
君が自殺を図ろうとする度に僕のことを呼んだのは、僕に助けてもらいたかったからじゃない。
君は、僕を連れて行きたかったんだ。
僕にとっての「死神さん」は、彼女だった。
涼しい風が吹き抜ける。いつの間にか蒸し暑さなど感じなくなっていた。
「じゃあ、行きましょうか」
「ああ、行こうか」
手を繋いだ君と僕。
この世界が僕らにもたらす焦燥から逃れるように
夜空に向かって駆け出した。
Sources
https://www.yoasobi-music.jp/novel/yorunikakeru/
https://monogatary.com/episode/33827